What can I say.  I burned out, I guess. A decade of writing about music can do that to a person. So for now, this house is going dormant.

However, I’m not really dormant at all.

You can find me taking over the world at NIHILISM AND CUPCAKES. Now with 8x more foul language! If you love me, you’ll spread the word.

Thanks to everyone I’ve met over the years, all the great sites I wrote for, and the people who read all of this crap. \m/

I knew “Wither” was going to be a single.

I’m full aware Dream Theater has yet to ever make one video that isn’t lulzy.

But this one, well… uhhh, video does not fit song.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Wasn’t that fascinating.

My personal commentary:

1. Lyric: “empty space” Camera shot: empty seats. Are you kidding me?

2. John Myung does not appear until 1:38. I almost thought for a moment that we had a “Lie” situation, where Kevin Moore was mysteriously missing, only to find out afterward that he’d ditched the band. What would they do without such an outspoken band member?

3. Speaking of Myung — dude, if you can’t grow the facial hair, you best buy yourself one of those funny little stick-on goatees. One of these things is not like the others.

4. LOL playing the day after Tom Jones

5. Portnoy with no pants and a drumstick in his nose. Who ever woulda thunk it.

6. 2:16 and 2:21 — BEST CAMEO EVER. I AM WETTING MYSELF.
(Speaking of… they should’ve let Akerfeldt make the video. It would probably be nothing but Guns ‘n’ Roses footage. And it would be brilliant.)

7. I’d like to see this job title on a resume: Bandanna Tying Guy.

8. Good to see the black veil actually dropped at this show. At ours, only one side fell, and they poor stage dudes had to scramble to get it pulled out of the way.

9. 4:36 – looks like they found the one girl at the show and got her on film. This may never happen again, you realize.

Honestly… the video was indeed disappointing. This is the one single in a long time that DT would have a chance with getting airplay on mainstream rock radio. Not that music videos are all that relevant anymore, but in the age of viral media, you need something that people will pass around to their friends. Or, since it’s all ballady and shit, something boys can pass to girls and try to make them like their nerd metal. This is nothing but dorktastic dorkgasm. It will get nobody laid.

Maybe I should just be glad there’s no fire or storms or dragons. I think even Ronnie James Dio would shake his head in dismay over that (once he gets better… seriously Metal Elf, just because there’s lightning, you shouldn’t let it bring you down).

Still, if you haven’t checked out the single, you really should. There’s a demo version sung by John Petrucci that is far better than one would really think it could be, and there’s a mesmerizing piano version as well. While the video may be craptacular, “Wither” remains their best written ballad in years.

Now, obviously, I’m a Dream Theater nerd of the highest order. I’ve made no bones about it, I don’t care, I have a tattoo. Sad or awesome, really, it’s all good. I get excited for every album, even if it doesn’t turn out all that great cough*cough*Octavarium*cough because I’m a hopeless fangirl. I’ve seen them live six times, looking for number seven this August I believe, even though they’re touring with crap bands.

So I get an email from Roadrunner Records today as they stalk me to take all of my moneys away.

Black Clouds and Silver Linings is being released on June 23rd. I’ve already heard sneak previews thanks to people who record webcasts. From what I’ve heard, it’s sticking along the vein of Systematic Chaos and that is JUST FINE with me. I thought that album was just barely short of a masterpiece, thanks to it being so fun and clearly not taking itself seriously. Those who know of Dream Theater likely can’t fathom the possibility of DT not taking themselves seriously, but think DT Does Dio and you’re about in awesomeland.

Anyway… an email from Roadrunner means it’s pre-order time. And much like Trent Reznor popularized and many others have followed, there are many options for your BCaSL pleasures.

STANDARD: $15.99

Dream Theater return with Over 70 Minutes of New Music

DOUBLE LP: $27.49

180-Gram Double LP Set: The vinyl is of the highest audiophile quality and pressed in Germany.

SPECIAL EDITION: $21.99

Dream Theater’s Latest Progressive Metal Masterpiece in a 3-CD Deluxe Edition includes:

• 6 Newly Recorded Cover Songs
• Instrumental Mixes of the Entire Album
• Expanded Artwork and Packaging

And of course…

DELUXE COLLECTOR’S EDITION BOX SET: $132.00

Price INCLUDES shipping via Priority Mail for all domestic U.S. customers!

Pre-order this configuration and receive an exclusive code to download 5 of the newly recorded cover songs. 1 track per week will be released, beginning on 5/19, leading up to album release. You’ll hear them first!

• Find a SILVER TICKET and Win a MEET & GREET with the Band!
• 3-CD Special Edition Set Includes Album, Instrumental Mixes and 6 Newly Recorded Cover Songs
• Limited Edition Audiophile 180-Gram Double LP Set with Exclusive Artwork from Hugh Syme
• Black Clouds & Silver Linings “Producer’s Edition” Disc Includes Isolated Audio Tracks of the Entire Album (This Bonus Disc Only Available in Tthis Set)
• Limited Edition, Numbered Lithograph by Legendary Artist Hugh Syme. 100 Lucky Winners will Find a Litho Personally Signed by the Artist!
• Computer Mouse Pad, Exclusively Available with Box Set
• Packaged in a Silver Foil Embossed Black Velvet Box.

And you wouldn’t be mistaken if you guessed I immediately saw that pimp-daddy set and clicked “add to cart.” I feel kind of dirty, but I would’ve bought the special edition and the vinyl anyway, so I was already halfway to the cost of the velvet box money pit.

Call it sad, call it nerdy, call it “Summer has lots of disposable income and a mean addiction to dork metal.” And if you wish, you can join me in dorkdom. You know you wanna.

Or, in the case of VH1, lists are your bread and butter and an excuse to not have to use a brain cell and piece together a string of crappy commentary from D-list celebrities that basically amounts to, “oh hey, I remember that! Remember, it was like this!” But, again, people eat this up, so it’s perfect in terms of cost of production plus breadth of viewers. Not that I’m chastizing anyone for liking and watching them, but after the 800th list, it’s pretty clear they’re just pulling whatever list out of their ass that they can conceive.

So of course I have to get sucked in and debate one of the lists. What else am I going to do? They stopped making Behind the Music and Pop Up Video. I’m not going to get too sucked in, though. I can’t spend eight days debating every nuance of a list that was probably put together by a drunk intern.

This specimen would be…

VH1′s 100 Best Songs of the ’90s

Whoa boy.

100. Gerardo “Rico Suave”
99. Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott “The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly)”
98. EMF “Unbelievable”
97. Prince & The New Power Generation “Gett Off”
96. Nelson “(Can’t Live Without Your) Love and Affection”
95. Montell Jordan “This is How We Do It”
94. Fastball “The Way”
93. Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories “Stay”
92. Public Enemy “911 Is A Joke”
91. Sarah McLachlan “Building a Mystery”

We don’t even get out of the gate before we realize that the term “best” was grossly misused when referring to anything regarding this list. Gerardo? Are you joking? Entertaining and stupid, sure, but there’s nothing really good about it. I don’t even recognize that particular Missy Elliott song by name, but maybe that’s just my own personal problem. As for the rest of the list, we’re treading further into the territory of “songs that were played until you never wanted to ever ever ever hear them again” than anything resembling quality. “Gett Off” is more shock value than brilliant songwriting, and one could say the same for “911 Is a Joke”. “Unbelievable” was catchy as hell. Everything else is noteworthy only in that people listened to them repeatedly. This coming from a girl who was a retardedly huge Nelson fan at the time.

90. New Radicals “You Get What You Give”
89. Liz Phair “Never Said”
88. Duncan Sheik “Barely Breathing”
87. Billy Ray Cyrus “Achy Breaky Heart”
86. The Cranberries “Linger”
85. Cypress Hill “Insane In The Brain”
84. Snow “Informer”
83. The Breeders “Cannonball”
82. Geto Boys “Mind Playing Tricks on Me”
81. Paula Cole “I Don’t Want to Wait”

I can’t decide how much less insulting these ten are. Cypress Hill belongs. The Breeders belong. But again, we’ve got gimmickry and mediocrity stinking the hell out of this list. And why in the hell is “Never Said” on there? Are they trying to sneak in an ounce of credibility by invoking the holy Phair? It’s not working. I still remember how hyped the New Radicals were, and immediately after that hype, they broke up. They couldn’t handle the pressures of fame. They had one single. ONE SINGLE. Even Kurt Cobain lasted three albums. Pussies. But they were beat out by Duncan Sheik, so maybe their rapid disappearance, was for the greater good.

80. Right Said Fred “I’m Too Sexy”
79. Meredith Brooks “Bitch”
78. Lenny Kravitz “Are You Gonna Go My Way”
77. Ice Cube “It Was a Good Day”
76. Blues Traveler “Run-Around”
75. Kris Kross “Jump”
74. Cher “Believe”
73. Marcy Playground “Sex and Candy”
72. Barenaked Ladies “One Week”
71. Arrested Development “Tennessee”

This is getting painful now. I’ll give Lenny and Ice Cube their fair rights to be there, as well as Arrested Development. But Right Said Fred and Kris Kross? You know this means that Vanilla Ice has got to be somewhere near the top of the list if this is the kind of bullshit they’re including. Again, I need to pull out a dictionary and show someone at VH1 what in the hell “best” means. Popularity does not equal quality, that’s for damn sure.

70. Jamiroquai “Virtual Insanity”
69. Korn “Freak on a Leash”
68. Will Smith “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It”
67. Deee-Lite “Groove Is In The Heart”
66. Edwin McCain “I’ll Be”
65. Digital Underground “The Humpty Dance”
64. The Presidents of the United States of America “Peaches”
63. The Notorious B.I.G. featuring Mase & Puff Daddy “Mo Money Mo Problems”
62. Live “I Alone”
61. Sheryl Crow “All I Wanna Do”

Well at least this chunk looks a little bit better. Or maybe I just think that because I saw 63-61 and had a momentary feeling of fuzzies that this list might amount to something resembling quality at some point. I don’t know that Edwin McCain song though. PUSA, Digital Underground, and Will Smith all need to take a flying leap off of the retard tower. Once upon a time I might have snubbed Korn’s entry onto this list, but after seeing everything else, I’m inclined to let them stay. Were the ’90s really this awful? I mean, I do remember plenty of garbage, but in list form it’s kind of depressing.

60. Bell Biv DeVoe “Poison”
59. Weezer “Buddy Holly”
58. Sophie B. Hawkins “Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover”
57. Jay-Z featuring Amil and Ja Rule “Can I Get A…”
56. L.L. Cool J “Mama Said Knock You Out”
55. Fiona Apple “Criminal”
54. Joan Osborne “One of Us”
53. Naughty by Nature “O.P.P.”
52. Sugar Ray “Fly”
51. Tupac (featuring Dr. Dre and Roger Troutman) “California Love”

Yeah, I think I’m growing complacent here — I don’t have strong arguments against any of these songs. Well, maybe that “California Love” is kind of lame and there are far stronger songs to choose from, and “One of Us” and “OPP” border on gimmickry once again, but other than that, there’s a fair amount of originality and quality behind these songs. Not that I ever want to hear “Fly” again for as long as I live, but I’ll give it a fair shake.

50. Alice in Chains “Man in the Box”
49. Jewel “Who Will Save Your Soul”
48. Matchbox Twenty “3 AM”
47. Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch “Good Vibrations”
46. Shania Twain “You’re Still the One”
45. Hootie & the Blowfish “Only Wanna Be With You”
44. The Fugees “Killing Me Softly With His Song”
43. En Vogue “My Lovin’ (You’re Never Gonna Get It)”
42. Collective Soul “Shine”
41. Spin Doctors “Two Princes”

Awww crap. Then they have to go and clog this shit up with garbage again. Hootie sold a zillion albums because, well, I honestly don’t know why, except that maybe white people were drawn to this crazy, zany idea that there was a black person that was Just Like Them. I could go on for four hours about how horrible “Two Princes” was, but maybe only after I stop ranting about Matchbox 20′s crappiness. Eh, there is an Alice In Chains song that made the cut so maybe I should suck it up and take what I can get. And they did pick the best Jewel and En Vogue songs. But then I look up and see Marky Mark and it all falls apart again.

40. Color Me Badd “I Wanna Sex You Up”
39. Goo Goo Dolls “Iris”
38. Christina Aguilera “Genie In A Bottle”
37. Green Day “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)”
36. C+C Music Factory “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)”
35. Oasis “Wonderwall”
34. Third Eye Blind “Semi-Charmed Life”
33. Spice Girls “Wannabe”
32. BLACKstreet “No Diggity”
31. Radiohead “Creep”

Well it’s obvious that number 40 is only there because it fell into that “ooh look at us, we’re safe but just risque enough to make you feel naughty” category that seems to be all over this damned list. There are some really good songs in this chunk, albeit songs that were played until you never wanted to hear them again, as if this is what needs to be done whenever a diamond is found in the dirt. I still have a hard time believing, however, that people heard “Wonderwall” approximately 8932 times and then continued to carry on and on about how amazing Oasis was. I take a strange bit of joy in seeing the Spice Girls beat them out, if only for that reason. I might as well take whatever joy I can find at this point.

30. *NSYNC “Tearin’ Up My Heart”
29. Vanilla Ice “Ice Ice Baby”
28. Ricky Martin “Livin’ la Vida Loca”
27. Counting Crows “Mr. Jones”
26. Eminem “My Name Is”
25. Soundgarden “Black Hole Sun”
24. House of Pain “Jump Around”
23. Salt-N-Pepa with En Vogue “Whatta Man”
22. Beck “Loser”
21. Celine Dion “My Heart Will Go On”

Oh look, there’s Vanilla Ice! Imagine my prediction coming true. I won’t say there’s not a fair number of songs in this pile that I enjoy, but that doesn’t make them good. And no, Ricky Martin does not fall into that pile. I will give Celine Dion her due if only because her vocal on that song was recorded in one take — that’s no small feat. But once again, there’s high charting that prevails over quality when you look at Beck’s or Soundgarden’s entries. I honestly feel bad for the people who came up with this list if those are their choices. They must have missed out so much if this is all they know to be good.

20. Hanson “MMMBop”
19. Beastie Boys “Sabotage”
18. Metallica “Enter Sandman”
17. Destiny’s Child “Say My Name”
16. MC Hammer “U Can’t Touch This”
15. Red Hot Chili Peppers “Under the Bridge”
14. Mariah Carey “Vision of Love”
13. Dr. Dre (featuring Snoop Doggy Dogg) “Nuthin’ but a “G” Thang”
12. Alanis Morissette “You Oughta Know”
11. Pearl Jam “Jeremy”

Okay, you would figure that getting into the top 20 that there would be less for me to get my knickers in a twist over. And for the most part, that would be correct. Sure, Hanson doesn’t belong even two hundred slots below number 20, but otherwise this isn’t so terrible. I’m not sure a tone-deaf Anthony Kiedis should be charting this high, never mind a very mediocre Destiny’s Child song and a goofy rap by some dude in giant pants that was mostly notable for those giant pants. But I would certainly expect to see the rest of those songs as we climb ever closer to the pinnacle. If only someone had tried this hard to get things right earlier in the list.

10. Sinéad O’Connor “Nothing Compares 2 U”
09. R.E.M. “Losing My Religion”
08. TLC “Waterfalls”
07. Britney Spears “…Baby One More Time”
06. Sir Mix-A-Lot “Baby Got Back”
05. Madonna “Vogue”
04. Whitney Houston “I Will Always Love You”
03. Backstreet Boys “I Want It That Way”
02. U2 “One”
01. Nirvana “Smells Like Teen Spirit”

Like we didn’t expect to see that one at the top of the list. But for anyone to seriously pull one hundred songs from the 1990s and to choose a Backstreet Boys song — ANY of them — to fall into the number 3 slot? Who was drunk and on drugs? And you know, I love me some Sir Mix-A-Lot and that song became iconic, but no. Most Fun Songs of the 1990s? Sure! Best? Uhhhh. Take Britney with you, Mix-A-Lot. This just isn’t right. Maybe if they hadn’t limited each artist to only one song, they might have had enough material to work with that an effective list could have been built. But in no way can you take a best-of and only put one Nirvana or Pearl Jam song on it. Grunge is almost non-existent on this list, and half the decade was consumed by it. There’s also no trace of the dying hair bands that were still around for a couple of years before getting wiped out.

This felt like it was the biggest waste of time to write. You know why? Because it’s commentary on a list, that’s why. It’s me falling into the trap of stupidity that comes along with VH1 and their endless ability to sucker in people to paying attention to their clearly bullshit drivel. They make nonsensical lists, we react to them. It’s cheap, it’s dirty, and it’s effective. I hate you, VH1, for making me write this. And I hate everyone and everything beyond VH1 that churns out a list as though they have any credibility whatsoever to be coming up with a list in the first place. Stop sleeping on the job and try writing something with a twinge of credibility and merit.

There were three openers. We missed Last Vegas completely (such a shame) and caught the last two songs from Theory of a Deadman’s set. ToaD was most unimpressive, I have to say. I’ve seen more lively and engaging local bands at bars. It doesn’t help that they’re such awful fucking lyricists and have a habit of writing songs where you hear them and say, “oh this is the one where they ripped off Nickelback’s ‘Rock Star’” or “oh this is the one where they went with the Scott Weiland vocal on the chorus.”

But most importantly, the third band was Hinder. You’ve all heard me comment on Hinder many, many times before. I’ve joked endlessly that they’re secretly trying to dupe the entire idiot rock world by intentionally writing the most over-the-top misogynistic crap so that they can sit back and laugh at the morons who like it. But seeing them live? I get them now. They TOTALLY make sense now. This has nothing to do with trying to pull off edgy Frat Boy rock like Puddle of Mudd. No — these motherfuckers are straight out of 1988. I turned to John and asked, “ok seriously, is this a Ratt video?” And they were just plain awesome as a live band. They have NO RIGHT to have impressed me as much as they did. But when your drummer has this big curly fro thing going on with a bandanna tied sweatband-style and a fan constantly blowing his hair back? How can I not appreciate that? They’re more Motley Crue than Motley Crue is now. And their new album? Yeah, the anthemic songs are much better than their first album, probably because they started huffing Aqua Net and hunting down more things to tie on to their mic stands. Not surprisingly, their worst performance of the night was “Lips of an Angel.” And I don’t just mean that because it’s a terrible fucking song. I mean it in the way that the dudes simply cannot perform it live. None of the rest of their songs have any similar types of vocal meandering, so one can only imagine how much studio wizardry it took for them to get it to sound good on CD.

Still, enough about that. I mean, really. It’s fucking Hinder, after all. I’m not their new biggest fan, I’m just dumbfounded and have to give props where they’re due.

Crue, of course, well… okay. I never saw them in their heyday. I did, however, see the Vince Neil Band open for Poison back in 2003 (I think) at the Dubuque County Fair. Back then, Vince was about 50 pounds heavier and was so out of breath that he could hardly sing half the lyrics in every line. Today, Vince is back in shape (and was running around like a man half his age), but yet he still does that same shit where he skips half of the lyrics. Now, think about Motley Crue for a moment: how many songs do they have where the verses are all laid-back? No, you get shit like “Shout at the Devil” and “Kickstart My Heart” and “Dr. Feelgood” where the lyrics come flying at you at 400 miles per hour. It becomes noticeable PRETTY DAMNED QUICKLY. Although Rob Zombie did the same thing live, so really, how much can I knock the poor guy? He’s getting fuckin’ old. And he has to deal with Tommy Lee and his wigger douchebaggery for an entire goddamned tour. But the motherfucker can nail the SHIT out of all the old high notes, which was definitely impressive. Not that Vince was ever a rich baritone or anything, but still.

Okay, there was a bit more to pay attention to other than Vince. There was the light show. Holy shit, I don’t think I’ve seen anything that obnoxious since Madonna’s Drowned World tour. And of course there was enough pyro to make James Hetfield squeal like a little girl and hide. The video screens were the most fun part though, as they did some really crazy shit with video. My favorite was when they were playing “SOS (Same Ol’ Situation)” and John turns to me and asks, “okay, so what’s with the girl-on-girl porn mixed with dictators and government control?” And I smile and say, “Because the song is about how much it sucks when you’re being tied to just one chick.” And he replies, “…oh that’s fucking brilliant!”

So, yeah, it was that kind of show. Tommy Lee should never be allowed near a microphone. But he had this bass drum that was as tall as the rest of the fucking kit, and a huge floor tom the size of a regular bass drum. What the fuck? I don’t know, but it was definitely unique. Mick Mars had a Slash hat on and did his normal “hey I’m not moving around much because I have degenerative spinal problems but I need to make a shitload of money to pay alimony” and Nikki Sixx, well, he seemed rather chill in general, camping out mostly alongside the drum kit. The setlist included pretty much everything that you would expect to hear, except throw in “Jailhouse Rock” and three tracks from the new album. Encore was “Home Sweet Home.” I got to hear “Primal Scream,” so I’m not complaining at all.

And then we waited a half an hour for the line to move in the parking ramp so that we could leave. Ahhh, the joys of going to a show in downtown St. Paul. But what I didn’t mention is that this show cost us less than $70 for both of us to go, and that’s including parking and seats near the edge of a top tier that gave us a fantastic view. Now if every band could pull off this magical trick, I’d be plunking down $70 every other weekend and having the time of my life.

But, you know, I could live with that. I’ve read worse books on blander topics. And the organization doesn’t so much matter, so long as in the end, I’m getting the information I want. But that’s when I started noticing that even with 12 pages of sources listed at the end of the book, the fucking idiot still gets shit wrong. Okay, so maybe I’m special in that I’m a metal fan and actually read, but the author falls into the same damned traps as the censors do — he simply has no fucking clue about metal. In the chapter about evil/satanic music, he easily points out all of the songs that were wildly misconstrued by conservative groups and hundreds of things taken out of context. But then he goes on to talk about how these angry groups didn’t even notice the “real” satanic music, stuff actually praising the devil. Now, he IS quick to point out that not even a fraction of these satan-loving bands are ACTUALLY satan-loving and that they mostly write the shit for shock value. But when he starts listing the songs that he cites as being overtly anti-Christian or whatever, he lists “Angel of Death” by Slayer? That shit’s about Nazi human experimentation. And “The Hellion” by Judas Priest? YOU STUPID FUCKER, IT’S AN INSTRUMENTAL.

Seriously. Just shut the fuck up and don’t even mention metal if you don’t have a fucking clue about the genre. You fucking stereotyping, misinformation-spreading asshole, made worse by the fact that you’re writing a book condemning stereotyping, misinformation-spreading assholes.

It goes without saying that I filled my shelves with classics like Metallica, Megadeth, Anthrax, and so on. But let’s not forget that I was a hair band fanatic, too. And why leave it to the classic thrash to hog all of the analog glory?

And so, the acquisitions began, with most of these not terribly difficult to come by. Winger, Motley Crue, Poison, White Lion, Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, Skid Row, Tesla… for the most part, their ’80s catalogs are floating around with zillions of copies on eBay and in used shops. Aside from still looking to get a hold of some Extreme and Slaughter on big flat black discs, I’ve acquired most of what I’ve wanted, and life is good.

I can’t express enough how much fun it is looking at the record jackets of these albums. The hair was ginormous, every picture of a band member is adorned with a scantily clad skank, there’s booze everywhere and partying nonstop. Oh yeah, and most of their partying was apparently done either shirtless or while wearing leather pants, if not both at the same time. It’s an anthropologist’s dream of some bizarre late-80s society that is well-documented yet either forgotten or swept under the rug.

Of course, the truly fun part comes when I actually sit down and toss the records onto the player and give them a spin. Some of these records are ones that I had on cassette and played them into oblivion back in the day. Some of these are ones that I didn’t own, but knew the singles, or a friend had the album. I couldn’t make it through Def Leppard’s Hysteria past side one because I had listened to that album so much that I just can’t stand sitting through it anymore. And I made sure to exercise my not-so-steady hand while listening to Skid Row’s debut as I could never bear “Can’t Stand the Heartache” and wasn’t about to give it another chance to get stuck in my head ever again.

One of my last batches contained two that I have no idea how or why it took me so long to actually acquire: Warrant’s Cherry Pie (still in the original shrink, I might add) and Poison’s Open Up and Say… Ahhh! with the banned cover that had the dude with the crazy tongue. I already had Warrant’s first album and actually had Poison’s first and third albums, so filling that gap was rather pleasant.

I listened to Warrant first. Several weeks earlier, I had listened to Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich and was pleasantly surprised at the songwriting. I mean, I had always been aware that Jani Lane was no slouch in the songwriting department, but things like that tend to get lost in the synchronized dancing music videos and sparkly white jumpsuits. In fact, I had decided that “32 Pennies” is one hell of a song and needs to be covered. So, putting on Cherry Pie and remembering it contained songs like “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” and “I Saw Red” got me kind of excited. Okay, so there’s still the title track and “Love in Stereo” and other piles of trite nonsense… but hey, that was the era, and it was a lot of fun. I could enjoy the goofiness and goodness alike and it was enjoyable.

Then I put on the Poison album. It didn’t take a minute into “Love on the Rocks” before I started wincing. I’ve heard ghetto demos with better quality production than this mess. And that’s before getting into Bret Michaels’ vocals sounding like they were mixed on a karaoke machine. This was a major label release? And not their debut, either… their second album after some decent hits should have a bit more spending money tossed into it. By the time the song hit the chorus — oh lord, that chorus is horrid — I was wondering what I had ever seen in this album in the first place.

Then I remembered: I’d never owned that album. I knew all of the singles, and my friends let me borrow the tape a few times, but I never bothered to copy it or get my own. I was in either fifth or sixth grade, and even then I could tell that it wasn’t all that good. This, mind you, while I was enjoying New Kids on the Block. I even specifically remembering thinking that “Back to the Rocking Horse” was a dumb song back then, and discussing it with my friend Michelle, who flipped out on me for daring to speak ill of that which was Poison.

I sat through the whole thing though. The singles are still as good as I remember them being; it’s like two different albums smushed together, some fairly decent songs mixed with awful crap. I don’t know that I’ll sit through the whole thing again, but hey, I’ve got the banned cover.

So of course that would mean Axl would randomly wait another two years and then magically pop out of the woodwork again to announce an official release date for Chinese Democracy. I guess the man was never all that great at working with the media, now that I think about it. It would make sense that he’d do something that defies sense in the marketing world. Still, hey, he released it. Nobody thought he would, certainly not the people at Dr. Pepper.

Without getting into an actual review, it’s fair to say that as an album without the G’n'R name and expectations, it’s not a bad album. It’s perfectly fine. It gets a little bit slow and draggy at times and it definitely has the taste of an album that has been tweaked and tweaked for the 400th time. Some of the songs are rather strong.

But looking at the album with all of its baggage, it becomes easily one of the most disappointing releases since St. Anger. Here is Axl Rose, without the band that brought him to fame, yet still using their collective name. We know what Guns ‘n’ Roses sounded like, even when they ventured into experimental territories. The key is that G’n'R was always epic, even when it came to songs that weren’t necessarily trying to be epic. Axl taps that for Chinese Democracy — which makes sense, considering he’s the songwriting dude — but there’s a feeling of awkwardness there. He may write the songs, but he isn’t able to add all of those elements that made a Guns ‘n’ Roses song what it was. Buckethead is awesome and all that, but he doesn’t create solos with a strong emotional bent to them like Slash does. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Add to this that it has been fourteen years since the last G’n'R studio release. Even if we give a generous four-year gap for touring, some hiatus recovery time, and whatever else, we’re talking about an album that has been actively worked for a decade. Ten years plus, and this is the best that Axl could do? I’m not buying it. And I’m not referring to the songwriting side of things, either, although maybe it would have done him some good to not try so hard to perfect the same songs for so long. Ten years is a lot of time to write better songs than, well, “Better.”

What I’m referring to, more than anything, is the Pro Tools Curse. We’ve all heard albums that are so obviously manipulated that it would take half of a room full of people to reproduce the sounds live. And that, my friends, would be an understatement when it comes to Chinese Democracy. First, you would need at least three if not four Axls to layer vocals over one another. Actually, double that — you would need three or four more to alternate lines of every verse. I understand trimming out breaths and such, but it’s physically impossible to sing the verses of “Better” the way that they’re sung on the recording. And while this isn’t a unique problem with modern editing, there are times when it sounds particularly odd, where there is full-force belting narrowly overlapping more full-force belting. One can look at Nickelback doing this on their albums and blow it off because they’re Nickelback. This is Axl Rose who, again, spent a bare minimum of ten years on these songs.

There is one odd element of praise, I suppose, that I could truly give to this album. Could you imagine these songs being released before 2000? The rock scene was completely different then, with primarily pop dominating the charts and the harder side of things geared in the rap-metal vein. There would be no place in marketing or on the radio for any of Axl’s songs as they stand. Now that we have a proliferation of mainstream hard rock as well as more widely accepted synth and prog elements, it almost seems like Axl had to wait until now to release the stupid album. Oh sure, I’m overlooking the fact that these songs likely had none of the feel they have today when they were first written, and Axl likely tuned them in time with trends. But I swear I’m not trying to take back that praise — if Axl was planning to go anywhere near this route, it’s better that the album wasn’t released before the turn of the millennium.

I could have just wrote a review in just one sentence: Chinese Democracy is a decent but awkward Axl Rose solo album. I think we’ve all long since accepted that it’s not a Guns ‘n’ Roses album. And when it comes to true critique, how long it took to make the album shouldn’t matter. Yet, all of those factors mean that the album comes off as disappointing. I suppose if Axl finds himself looking for a new project, I hear Velvet Revolver is without a vocalist.

As Mr. Owl would say, “Let’s find out.”

100 The Beatles – Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band (CD, digital)
99 Joni Mitchell – For The Roses
98 Ferron – Testimony
97 Janis Ian – Between The Lines
96 Nick Drake – Bryter Layter
95 Culture Club – Kissing To Be Clever (vinyl, digital)
94 Hair Original Broadway Cast – Hair
93 Sade – Lovers Rock
92 Morrissey – Viva Hate (digital only)
91 Grace Jones – Nightclubbing
90 Kate Bush – The Kick Inside
89 Fifth Column – To Sir With Hate
88 Hüsker Dü – Zen Arcade
87 Madonna – Confessions On A Dance Floor (digital only)
86 Madonna – Madonna (CD, vinyl, digital)
85 Nina Simone – Anthology
84 Cyndi Lauper – True Colors (digital only)
83 Bette Midler – The Divine Miss M
82 Cher – Believe
81 Scissor Sisters – Ta-Dah (digital only)
80 Rufus Wainwright – Want One
79 T. Rex – Electric Warrior (digital only)
78 Various – The Rocky Horror Picture Show Soundtrack
77 New Order – Substance (digital only; almost bought on vinyl last week)
76 Ani DiFranco – Imperfectly
75 Carole King – Tapestry (digital, my mom’s favorite album)
74 Michael Jackson – Off the Wall (vinyl, digital)
73 Various – Fame Soundtrack
72 Donna Summer – Once Upon a Time
71 Elton John – Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy
70 Rent Original Broadway Cast – Rent
69 Frances Faye – Caught In The Act
68 Nirvana – Nevermind (CD, digital)
67 Hüsker Dü – Candy Apple Grey
66 Soft Cell – Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret (vinyl, digital)
65 Le Tigre – Le Tigre
64 Patti Smith – Easter
63 Björk – Debut (CD, digital)
62 Jeff Buckley – Grace (digital only)
61 Sleater-Kinney – Dig Me Out (digital only)
60 R.E.M. – Automatic For The People (CD, digital)
59 Bronski Beat – The Age of Consent (vinyl)
58 Liz Phair – Exile in Guyville (CD, digital, a zillion demo versions, etc…)
57 Prince – Dirty Mind (digital only)
56 Team Dresch – Personal Best
55 David Bowie – Diamond Dogs
54 Tori Amos – Little Earthquakes (CD, digital)
53 Culture Club – Colour By Numbers (vinyl)
52 Kate Bush – Hounds of Love
51 Frankie Goes To Hollywood – Welcome to the Pleasuredome (vinyl, digital)
50 Rufus Wainwright – Poses
49 Patti Smith – Horses (digital)
48 Cris Williamson – The Changer and the Changed
47 The Magnetic Fields – 69 Love Songs (digital only)
46 Madonna – Ray of Light (CD, digital)
45 Bikini Kill – Pussy Whipped
44 Pet Shop Boys – Very (digital only)
43 Prince – Purple Rain (vinyl, digital)
42 ABBA – Gold
41 Melissa Etheridge – Yes I Am (CD, digital)
40 Pet Shop Boys – Behavior (digital only)
39 Laura Nyro And Labelle – Gonna Take A Miracle
38 Dusty Springfield – Dusty In Memphis (digital only)
37 Blondie – Parallel Lines (vinyl, digital)
36 Madonna – Erotica (CD, digital)
35 Yaz – Upstairs At Eric’s
34 Donna Summer – Bad Girls
33 The Smiths – Hatful Of Hollow (digital only)
32 The Smiths – Meat Is Murder (digital only)
31 Sarah McLachlan – Fumbling Towards Ecstacy (digital only)
30 Diana Ross – Diana
29 Pet Shop Boys – Actually (digital only)
28 Queen – The Game (vinyl, digital)
27 Eurythmics – Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) (vinyl)
26 Scissor Sisters – Scissor Sisters (digital only)
25 k.d. lang – Ingénue (digital only)
24 Sylvester – Living Proof
23 Deee-Lite – World Clique (CD, digital)
22 The Gossip – Standing In The Way Of Control
21 David Bowie – Hunky Dory (digital only)
20 Queen – A Day at the Races (digital only)
19 The B-52s – The B-52′s (vinyl, digital)
18 George Michael – Listen Without Prejudice, Vol. I (cassette)
17 Lou Reed – Transformer
16 Queen – A Night at the Opera (digital only)
15 George Michael – Faith (vinyl, cassette, digital)
14 Erasure – The Innocents
13 Ani DiFranco – Dilate (digital only)
12 The Velvet Underground & Nico – The Velvet Underground & Nico (digital only)
11 Various – Hedwig And The Angry Inch Soundtrack
10 Antony And The Johnsons – I Am A Bird Now
09 Cyndi Lauper – She’s So Unusual (vinyl, digital)
08 Madonna – The Immaculate Collection (CD, digital)
07 Elton John – Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (CD, digital)
06 The Smiths – The Queen is Dead (digital only)
05 Judy Garland – Judy at Carnegie Hall
04 Indigo Girls – Indigo Girls (CD)
03 Tracy Chapman – Tracy Chapman (digital only)
02 The Smiths – The Smiths (digital only)
01 David Bowie – The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars (CD courtesy of my husband, digital)

GAY QUOTIENT: 58% GAY
Bonus — actual non-mp3 copies of these albums that I own: 29

Granted, I’m a girl, I grew up in the ’80s, and I’m music-obsessed, so this was bound to happen. And those qualifiers alone explain away everything, moreso than “you must be a gay man.” Actually, I’m kind of ashamed that the number wasn’t higher.

Before we get into the album: okay, Dave Grohl rules and has always ruled.  He fucked around constantly, he had his fanboy moments as a life-long Metallica fan from the ancient days, and he tried to keep things genuinely entertaining.  So maybe James Hetfield was funnier with more interjections of juvenile humor (lol endless dick jokes and talk of Metallica merkins), but hey, it was all good.

Also, before I get much further, I should mention that I prepared well for this occasion: I had a big-ass bottle of Dragon’s Milk beer, 8-point-something-percent, enough to totally drunk-up this little girl.

Oh yeah, and the Republican National Convention is eating our fucking city, so politics were the other discussions we were having alongside the Metallica babble.  I’ll try not to talk too much about my opinions on the energy industry, school vouchers, and help for folks with jobs displaced in poor industrial areas.

I didn’t pay attention to any of the song titles unless I wanted to laugh at them, so I have no opinions here about which songs were better than any others.  Yes, I’m still laughing over “All Nightmare Long,” and I don’t know that I’ll ever get over that.  I will say this much, as to the general tone of the new material: honestly, it sounds like a lot of modern US metal.  The reason it sounds this way is because the current trend in US metal is pilfering deeply from the mid-’80s thrash scene with interjections of other influences here and there.  So Metallica digging at their roots to capture the essence of their best work, mixed with the bullshit introduced by working with Bob Rock, is almost fated to sound like that.  And, yes, people, they really did fly back to the golden age as far as mindset on this one.  Although Hetfield’s voice is still annoying as fuck-all since he “learned” how to “sing” and even Rubin couldn’t totally make Ulrich’s shitty drums have a nicer tone, well, these are things we have to deal with because it’s not 1986 and they’re all dads.  I’ve said it before — Metallica CAN NOT and NEVER WILL be able to do what they once did because fame doesn’t leave someone behind in the same creative mindset.  But yeah… it’s obvious they looked at their root influences at least, and they did indeed filter a lot of that into Death Magnetic.

But here’s my problem: they didn’t play “The Unforgiven III” during this album preview broadcast.

Now, I’m not a Metallica hater.  I love old Metallica stuff and count myself as a rabid fan through the Black album era.  I never got into Load and couldn’t understand the people who did.  And let’s not get into the debacle that was St. Anger because I could carry on for hours.  Regardless, as I mentioned before, I understand how artists progress and you cannot go back and magically recapture the past.  For those who were always hoping for another Puppets, I was always laughing at that very idea.  Picasso couldn’t make two Guernicas.  Yes, I’m wandering off topic as I often do, but I’m a very practical person and so I understand that Metallica reliving their past was never going to be practical or feasible.  That said, I certainly wasn’t happy with the direction they went with each progressing album.  I honestly would rather have them retire than put out another shitty album because they’ll only hurt their legacy.  Post-Load has done enough to tarnish that already.

So when I heard there would be “The Unforgiven III” on Death Magnetic, I lost all hope.  It’s one thing to have “The Unforgiven” in its original form, which was what it was: not the greatest song ever written, but it had its place and a video that worked well with it, so its success made sense.  I have no idea why in the fuck they would come up with “The Unforgiven II” for Re-load aside from the fact that Re-load as admittedly thrown together with duct tape and Elmer’s Glue, but it was written and released, and now Metallica has to live with that.  I don’t think there are proper words, especially when I’m as inebriated as I am now, that accurately describe how awful “The Unforgiven II” was — not just as a song, but as a concept.  I’m pretty sure you have to be a prog band to make multipart songs that span multiple albums without someone laughing in your face.  Okay, so people laugh in the face of the prog bands too, although the difference being that the prog bands are admittedly nerdy anyway.  ANYWAY, point being, the only reason why “The Unforgiven II” existed was because Re-load needed padding.  It was a shit song.  So why in the fuck would they write “The Unforgiven III” aside from, oh I don’t know, a neverending desire to suck more?

And that’s where I sat mentally with Death Magnetic since its announcement.  I don’t care that Rick Rubin is there, I don’t care that they were going back to their early influences to draw inspiration, and shit, I don’t even care that the last half of the first single “The Day That Never Comes” is really fucking awesome.  No, it all rests on “The Unforgiven III” with me.  It’s a matter of testicles in my world: did they amass giant testicles to name this song what they did and create something fantastic, or did they try to blind the world with false testicles by parading the name of a 15+ year old hit onto a fading band’s album of failure?

At any rate, I’ve heard approximately six songs from the album to date.  They weren’t bad for the most part.  There was a happy return to guitar solo craziness — and I mean craziness when I say craziness, which should put a big smile on a lot of people’s faces.  Yeah, there are some cringeful lyrics and there are some things that drag worse than your mom being pulled behind a tractor.  I guess the best thing I can say is, it’s not St. Anger or Re-load or even Load. I’m sure most people will agree with me at least to that point.

So c’mon, Metallica.  Give me “The Unforgiven III”.  If it doesn’t suck, you shouldn’t have to hide it, right?  Bring it on.  Do your worst.  Okay, on second thought, we’ve already heard your worst on The Rhyming Dictionary Album er, St. Anger and I don’t know if my poor fragile heart could handle that crap again.  Anyway.  Whatever.  Until September 12th, I guess.